4 February 2002

Dear all, the powers that be have asked me write a simple piece about the upcoming Chinese New Year. I must admit I was a bit stumped at first since I've never thought there was anything particularly special about my family's celebrations. What follows is a brief synopsis of a typical Chinese New Year celebration back home and you can judge for yourself. The names have been changed to protect the innocent (me!) and no small animals were harmed during the recording of these events.

It's the eve of the lunar new year and my family gathers for its annual dinner, where all old grievances are forgotten till the new tax year, and sibling and cousin rivalry is set aside in favour of good cheer and keeping the formidable head of the Chan clan, Grandma Rosalind, happy (nobody wants to be cut out of the will).

First through the door is Uncle Adam and his wife Auntie Alicia, followed by their children, Alex and Alexia. They're currently top of the leader board, what with Alex having been accepted into medical school. It was touch and go there for a while when the kid didn't want to go overseas to do his degree (heaven forbid that people should say it was because the family couldn't afford it) but getting the prestigious government scholarship to do it locally just about covered it up and Grandma Rosalind got to finally utter those words she's been wanting to say for years, "my grandson, the Doctor". The little detail that he hasn't quite finished his first year as an undergraduate hasn't fazed her and she's already planning to have a word with Mrs Gupta-Singh about getting Alex into her husband's successful specialist ENT practice.

Next through the door are Uncle Charlie and Auntie Melody (she having changed her name a couple of years before because she thought 'Jennifer' was too common and besides, it knocked 10 years off her age, though cynics might opine that it was 10 points off her IQ). Their kid, David, is coming later with his new bride and new car from their new home. This places them second in the leader board since it allows Grandma Rosalind to tell her friends that a great-grandchild is on the way. A child by them would put them at the top of the list. Rumours abound that David's been overhead saying that they aren't planning to have kids for a couple of years yet, but as we're a Catholic family, family planning with such certainty is frowned upon and no doubt such rumours are merely just that.

Making their appearance in force are Uncle Louis and Auntie Latti. They're the organic branch of the family. There's one in every family. They have five kids (not due to tax incentives, but due to Catholic family planning) have no intention of pushing any of them towards university and just want to make sure that all five have a stable, normal childhood (which is a by-word for hand-me-down clothes and no pokemon please). Both parents are of course teachers in state schools and all five kids are tear away brats. They're third on the leader board at the moment as they live next door to Grandma Rosalind and take care of her during the day (which generally entails playing mahjong with her and taking her to visit her friends).

Auntie Joyce comes back next with some last minute groceries. She's the one that never got married or left home. A great disappointment to my mother who swears to this day that Auntie Joyce was a real looker in her day and has the photos from the sixties to prove it (think psychedelic miniskirt, beehive hairdo and horn-rimmed sunglasses - that's what she's wearing as she walks through the door). She tried to join a nunnery in her thirties (much to the delight of my gran) but was rejected based on the fact they thought she was doing it because she was trying to avoid getting married (the two and a half foot beehive was a bit of a give away). She now works in various charities and is a social doyen of no small social standing and a favourite of gran's. Naturally, she and Auntie Alicia don't get along since Auntie Joyce considers Alicia an outsider who married into the family and therefore a social climber with no shame, and Auntie Alicia thinks Joyce is a bitter spinster. No comment or sides are to be taken on this matter as any attempt to make peace between will result in being mauled by not one but two sharpened tongues. Vague hissing noises are heard as Auntie Joyce makes her way to the kitchen.

Uncle Gerry and Auntie Isabel are next to arrive. They're pretty near the bottom of the board at the moment. His teak import business hit a bit of a bump when Indonesia went up in flames (both literally and politically) and she decided to retire in order to try for another kid, but what pushed them all the way to the bottom of the board was the fact that their daughter Clarissa has (gasp!) become a Methodist! No communion, no confession and no Catholic church wedding (what will people say?). Grandma Rosalind is not best pleased and she has quietly let it be known that she until Clarissa sees the error of her ways, she's persona non grata at the Country Club and if her parent's know what's good for her, they'll take away all her amenities as well. Oh dear, no cell phone, no BMW, no gold card. Who says religious martyrs are a thing of the past?

Anyway, I could go on and on about this but the net result is this: Would you want to spend the new year with this lot? No... Aaron Spelling would probably like to buy the rights to the story though.... ??