3 October 2000

Being mixed race, I feel, gives me a special edge. I feel as though I have the ability, and even the obligation, to become totally ensconced in two very different cultures. In this day and age, this may not seem so strange as there is no reason why a white English person should not be able to understand the ethnic or cultural background of a Malay. But I think if you are biologically part of two cultures you feel a spiritual affinity that only mixed race people feel. Being mixed race has also informed my ideas about multiculturalism, tolerance and pluralism. I feel as though people like myself are very much simply the beginnings of a positive trend further towards inter-racial marriage. This can only serve to foster better relations among races. I think eventually mankind will on the whole have to forget about race and the term inter-racial marriage will fade into obscurity as eventually everyone becomes a shade of grey.

Do you imply that the preservation of individual cultures is not that important? To put it another way, do you think that the 'watering down' of cultures into a "shade of grey" is desirable?

I think from historical or anthropological perspectives maintaining old ways or racial and cultural identity is great. However, there's always a danger that racism/segregation is manifested through "maintaining cultural identity". Someone who is mixed race or has been moved round the world as a child doesn't feel the same desire to maintain cultural homogeneity or even preservation.

Tell me more about having a "spiritual affinity" to both cultures.

I think that spiritual affinity to two cultures means that being mixed and not having an identity is what defines you. There's a possessive feeling, perhaps merely pride, that emotionally links you to that multiculturalism. It is all very well having people who are not racist because they view it as a bad thing, but to someone who is half Asian the battle against racism is more about defining or highlighting your own equal worth. It's that sort of bond that creates more than empathy, but real affinity. If as a mixed race person if I witness racism it more than simply bothers me, it makes me feel threatened.

Do both cultures inside you ever clash?

Not really.

What racism (overt, covert or institutional) have you experienced, if any, as a result of being mixed race?

I have never experienced any racism that I am aware of from anyone. I may be extremely lucky, however. I think it is also due to the fact that I spent much of my childhood in an international school. When my parents first got married in London in the early 70's, it was a constant feature of their lives to have white English people shouting to my father to "stop holding hands with that black woman." My parents have always warned me to be very mindful of this sort of attitude, but thankfully I have not had to suffer it so far.

What was it like growing up with parents of different ethnicities?

My parents' cultures by no means sat nicely with each other. My father, who is English, is extremely old fashioned, very protective over his culture and has always been determined to mould English children. My mother, who is Indonesian, made very few attempts to teach us about Indonesian culture. There was a feeling as I was growing up that the more impressive culture was English and that Indonesian culture was simply something to be scoffed at. We ate English food, we dined in an English way. There was a fear by both my parents that my sister and I wouldn't fit into English society when we eventually returned so everything possible was done to make us English. I regret this immensely and have spent years trying to correct this. The cultural contrast in the way that children are brought up was always present as I was growing up.

How do you feel about being brought up to think that English culture was superior?

It's very difficult because if you are made to feel that you must belong to English culture, but look in the mirror and clearly see there is something racially different to you as compared to the English majority, there is s sense of desperation in needing to belong. If you are told that you shouldn't accept half of your racial make-up, the pretence is impossible.

How have you tried to "correct this"?

Only by exploring Asia and by spending time in Asian culture. I think it's a little late really.

If you could divide yourself up culturally, how much is English and how much Indonesian?

I guess I'd be very English indeed. Except for my looks. Significantly, though I don't really feel either anymore. I feel mixed race and international. As a mixed race person you either target an identity for fear of not having one or you just don't worry about it. The hard part is growing up with cultural tensions because the world is not culturally compatible at the moment. Once you get to a certain age though, and you accept you are a new breed of a shade of grey which is in fact very progressive, it becomes less of a problem.