Frankly, I'm surprised the subject of interracial relationships provokes such heated discussions on the DimSum website. It was a huge issue for me in the early 1980s when I first became interested in the opposite sex, but I can't believe there's still so much introspection over 25 years later. Certainly, from my experience and observations of the Chinese community, I see a lot more openness and tolerance of diversity. Am I wrong?
Intrigued, I did some further reading and I'm not so surprised any more. From my perspective, the second and third generations have different wants and needs when it comes to their cultural roots, even with siblings within a family. There are many who want to find out more about their Chinese roots; who are open to experiencing and following the traditions and norms. Yet, there are others who think of themselves as British, first and foremost, and assimilate completely into the mainstream culture, perhaps not speaking any Chinese; and then there is a whole spectrum in between.
This assortment of views is mirrored in British-born Chinese (BBC) dating practices and relationships. Some BBCs want diversity and say sticking to one's own kind is narrow-minded and look to date exclusively outside the community. Other BBCs want to have Chinese partners and actively seek out people from their own backgrounds; hence, the rise of Chinese online dating and speed-dating events. The search for a British-born Chinese partner is reflected in programme two of the Radio 4 series, Beyond the Takeaway:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/factual/beyondthetakeaway2.shtml
Two of my siblings are with white partners and I married a Chinese man, who was born in Hong Kong and raised in Britain from a young age. Within my extended family, there are some with non-Chinese partners and others with BBCs or Chinese from other countries.
I think having narrow views about relationships means you could pass up opportunities that may come your way. You can't dictate the heart: sometimes you seek what's opposite and end up with something your parents knew all along. The irony for me is that my parents and my husband's parents thought we'd make a good couple when we were in our twenties, but we didn't listen to them!
The heated debates on interracial relationships speak to the fact that we're still trying to get to grips with our identities and the underlying conflict of filial duty versus personal desires. If we were to be honest with ourselves, our parents' and, to a lesser extent, our community's opinions matter a great deal and can influence whom we date and marry.
"Love is, above all, the gift of oneself." Jean Anouilh
The period from university to when I started work in the late 1980s was a dynamic one, full of self-discovery and new influences: I didn't go out of my way to meet other BBCs and wanted to lay low from the prying eyes of the community at home. In the early to mid-1990s, I was in a serious relationship with a British-born Greek Cypriot, who faced many of the issues I faced in his own culture. I liked him because of him, not because I was rebelling against my Chinese roots. I learnt Greek phrases and took an interest in Greek food to show his mum I was making an effort to fit into his culture.
We split up because of personal reasons and not because he wasn't Chinese. My parents, although extremely disapproving at the beginning, (I was the eldest child and, therefore, this was new ground for them) came to embrace him and welcomed him with home-cooked meals whenever he came to visit with me. In the end, my parents' attitude was if he makes you happy then we're okay. They, also, wanted us to get married and have children (all Chinese parents want this as it equates to happiness for them.)
I think we assume our parents are so traditional and old-fashioned they'll object forever. You could be surprised at how "modern" their outlook is. We forget they live in the world too and see what their children and friends' children are doing, and they're pragmatic - part of Chinese nature. My parents have mellowed over the years, choosing to accept instead of argue.
Even when they accept your non-Chinese partner, the older generation may still hold negative views about interracial relationships; a strong one being their concern about divorce. They think the non-Chinese partner won't try hard enough to adapt to the culture or understand the Chinese mentality, and won't stick with the marriage long term when faced with differences. In particular, they worry they'll lose access to their grandchildren. However, they recognize divorce is not the sole domain of the wider community, but has become more entrenched within the Chinese community, even within their own generation.
"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." Sam Keen
 When we got engaged
As for stereotypes, don't assume things about Chinese men; for instance, they're tainted by a macho attitude and their partners have to be submissive and look after them because they were spoilt by their mums and sisters. If I held such attitudes, I would have dismissed Yiu-Yin as boring, geeky and not my type since he's a scientist and shorter than other men I've dated.
In actual fact, Yiu-Yin is one of the most unconventional and confident Chinese men I've met. He's been independent since he was 18 and moved to America at 25. How many Chinese guys do you know stockpile Indian spices and can cook an authentic chicken curry?
I can't say enough good things about my husband after nine years of marriage. He has a great sense of humour, an interest in philosophical questions, and is open to discussing feelings and emotions. He appreciates me every day and gives me the space to be creative. I respect his hands-on involvement with our children. And he tells me the harsh truth when I'm wallowing in self-pity, even though I want to throw a book at him!
 At our wedding banquet
At the time, my future in-laws were faced with a modern career woman who had an extremely independent lifestyle and spoke very rusty Hakka. Quite honesty, I was anxious about having a Chinese mother-in-law. Certainly, I didn't measure up to the traditional image of an ideal daughter-in-law, being inept at all things domestic. I'd never really cooked before nor put together the ingredients for Chinese medicinal soup. Truthfully, I was hazy about some of our cultural norms because I hadn't bothered to find out more before.
I could easily have said no when I found out how very traditional my in-laws were compared to my family. Whatever your backgrounds, relationships require work.
What it all boils down to.
Many BBCs feel strongly about filial respect for their parents and their values, and don't want to cause any rifts if they marry outside the culture. Some BBCs chose to marry other BBCs because they want partners who share similar experiences to them growing up.
I guarantee, even if you marry a BBC, there will be issues between the families. I've seen families come to blows over the planning of the wedding banquet. Arguments have ensued because each set of parents have deemed the other not generous enough. Trying to accommodate different village norms and highly charged expectations can present a recipe for a full-scale feud; covered up by face-saving smiles at the banquet. Afterwards, families may not speak for years, only to be brought together again by the first month party of the first-born grandchild.
Don't assume if you date a BBC all will be rosy with your parents. Chinese parents make judgements of other Chinese people and will voice their opinions if your prospective partner is not considered to be your equal in education or outlook, and you'll certainly hear their objections if they think your partner is a gambler, drinker or player.
It won't work if you marry a Chinese person to please your parents and hope that will be the end of their nagging. Before you've even gone on your honeymoon, they'll be asking when the grandchildren are coming.
I think you have to work harder at your relationship if you marry outside the culture. An interracial couple faces prejudices within the Chinese community (although lessening) and your non-Chinese partner has to go a long way to show his or her respect for your parents; if your parents' opinions mean anything to you.
Your non-Chinese partner will be judged on a whole raft of things, not least their education, profession, and how they conduct themselves in public. As the Chinese person in the relationship, you're the intermediary, translator and teacher. I don't think it's fair for your partner if you don't prepare them about Chinese customs and etiquette, particularly around food as this is central to the culture - how to eat and behave at a family meal; what to bring for family members when you visit; how to show deference to age and seniority through greetings and actions; and not to dismiss centuries old beliefs and conventions as superstitious nonsense.
I chose to follow Chinese post-partum customs. I wasn't particularly thrilled about not washing my hair for a month, but I understood why I was doing it because of my upbringing, filial duty and sense of tradition. But, would your non-Chinese wife be prepared to adapt to such customs?
The reality of interracial relationships is it takes a lot of effort and, even after you gain acceptance, you still have to make sure you're aware of nuances and subtleties in case you cause offence. You could say I don't care about what people think as long as we're happy, but is that the truth? The relationship between Chinese parents and their children is a complex one, and rooted in the seeking of approval from one's parents.
You can overcome conflicts if you believe the person is for you, but you have to decide how far you'll go; what you fight for and what you're prepared to give up if your parents are against the match; even to the extent of not communicating and having your children not see their grandparents. Of course, it goes two-ways; that's the choice your parents make too. On a positive note, I think we're making strides as a community: I see more and more integrated interracial couples and families.
No matter which way we look at it, we don't live in a vacuum and family and community are major factors in any relationship.
|
