father passing away

yim · Joined: 08 Sep 2007 Posts: 2

My father passed away very recently and I'm trying to organise the funeral. My mother has lived in this country most of her life but do not know very much about chinese funerals. My parents were from South China and lived some years in Hong Kong before moving to Leeds in the late 60's. Please, any information and experiences would be very much appreciated.

Yim

SSC · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 31 Location: USA

Dear Yim,

I am deeply sorry for your loss. It must be very hard for you to support your mother at this difficult time.

My experiences come from the funerals of both my paternal grandparents within two years of each other in the late 1990s and the death of my younger brother when he was 23.

Chinese funerals differ according to the age and status of the person who has passed. Here is a link to formal traditional funeral arrangments and customs: http://www.chinatown-online.co.uk/pages/culture/customs/funerals.html

However, from experience as my grandparents and brother died in England, the customs have evolved and adapted to those living overseas. It also depends on whether your parents had any family and home village customs to observe. Many Chinese funerals are a mix of Buddhist, Toaist and Confucianism traditions. Although, some Chinese incorporate Christian traditions if they have converted.

I recommend if there is a Chinatown near you for you and your mother to speak to some of the elders for their guidance and advice. There may even be a section of a cemetery in your home town where many Chinese people are buried. The funeral director should be able to help you if that's the case.

I organized the funeral of my younger brother when I was 25 years old because I was the eldest, as according to custom since he died before my parents they could not attend the funeral. I did incorporate some of the Chinese traditions. Suffice it to say it was the worst period of my life. I found a lot of help and support from my older relatives and community elders.

Your father's funeral will be different since he was head of the household. I remember at my grandparents' funerals we had a Buddhist priest chant, we burned joss sticks and paper money for the dead in the next life, and the wreaths and flower arrangements were all yellow and white. We didn't dress in white as traditional funeral colours, but dark colours as customary in the West. Afterwards, we gave the attendees a red packet that had some coins and some hard sweets as gratitude for them coming. The idea is that the attendees spend the money straight away and eat the sweets for luck.

I hope you find lots of help and guidance at this very difficult time. I recently lost a dear friend who died from cancer after a courageous battle. I went to her funeral on Thursday. My heart goes out to her children and as it does to you and your mother.

Sincerely,

Susan

yim · Joined: 08 Sep 2007 Posts: 2

Dear Susan,

Thank you for your kind thoughts and very useful information.

Yim

siu mai · Joined: 13 Jun 2007 Posts: 363 Location: In the sky

oh my goodness..

I am so sorry to hear both of your losses. It must have been extremely difficult to bury a sibling..and is also difficult to bury a parent.

My father passed away about 11 years ago but he is english, so we had an english funeral ceremony. I think when my mum passes away, she'd want a traditional chinese funeral ceremony and her ashes brought back to singapore.

I hope you find the info which you are looking for, and most importantly ease in such a traumatic time Yim, many condolences to you and your family.

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