Chinese mixed relationships - views please!

tenpence · Joined: 24 Feb 2003 Posts: 174

All interesting viewpoints, and things are certainly heating up...i wonder if any White/ non -Chinese dare enter the foray!???!!

emem · Joined: 22 May 2003 Posts: 39

Sorry I misunderstood.

However, on personal account:
trend of me going out with white, compare to Chinese guys. I prefer Chinese guys, I feel they respect me more than the white guys.

I, for one thing, is not against other girls dating white/black/Indians guys as long as they are happy. But, I hope that it is done with more pride of being Chinese too. I know an English guy who dated a Chinese girl, and he is so sweet -- (I did not date him, but I would say that Chinese girl made a good choice); I will date someone who is not Chinese, as long as they show more respect and try to embrace more of my culture. It should not be one sided. And, I hope the girls who choose to have mix race relationship, can manage to get the best of both world. Best of luck on keeping the balance that I fail to be able keep.
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EM

emem · Joined: 22 May 2003 Posts: 39

Another point I want to add is:
Respect for women come with education and love.

The whole thing about the post of the look Chinese guys gave that girl. My question is, how educated this guys are? That look is less offensive than the verbal abuses that white blokes say out.
Example: "Where's the way to Holedom?" from uneducated white bloke.

If any decent educated Chinese guys gave the weird look to a chinese girl, I bet his mum, if his mum stood beside him while he gave the look, will tell him to make some tea for the girl! Lack of "Jia Jiao" (Mandirin) should be (1) reason for lack of respect for Chinese girls.

If my brother does not appreciate his girlfriend, I send him back to his bedroom and play with his teddy bear until he grows up.
_________________
EM

deutchyip · Joined: 04 May 2003 Posts: 2 Location: germany

I like to quote my uneducated grandparents when they met my English wife after getting to know her for the first time, 'It does not matter who you marry as even chinese can also get divorce one lah.' They have seen many relationships succeed and fail involving technicolour or monchromatic couples. It does not matter a hoot if both of you respect the cultural differences, even appreciate the 'rich tapestry' of this small world. One of my wife's favorite restaurants is the grottiest one serving raw fish porride just of Petaling Street in KL, this endered her greatly to my grandfather. Just get on with it folks and enjoy it. Prejudice and tunnel vision is ruin.

I have a deep bias though, I believe a passion for enjoying and eating food together helps a great deal to bring happiness between cultures.

katywong · Joined: 13 Jun 2003 Posts: 2

i am currently in a mixed race relationship. to begin with it should not matter, but in reality it does - but why? i am currently in a close relationship with an african man, very polite, generous, funny and all that one can find in any colour. but sometimes i still feel ashamed to tell my close family. maybe not ashamed but afraid that they will disagree, in this new century it should not matter what other people think but there is the danger it wmay pressurise the relationship - the key question is always, when is it the right time to tell the immediate family and how should one drop it into an ordinary conversation?

Starlet · Joined: 26 May 2003 Posts: 14

Hi Katy,

I dated a white guy for years and never told my family about it. I can guess what you're going through - I felt like I was living a double life and one big lie and eventually we split. I wasn't sure how my family would cope with an inter-racial relationship. At the time I was thinking the worst 1) they could throw me out of the family for being a disgrace 2) be disappointed in me and I couldn't stand to see it in their eyes when I saw them. I'm close to my family although I've lived away since going to uni a few years ago which is when I dated him. It was easier dating him as we both lived far away from my parents and I could keep it from them. My parents are my only family support here and to lose them would be unthinkable for me. But what I didn't realise is that I didn't give my parents the benefit of doubt and the opportunity to react. I took it for granted that they would disapprove and reject both him and me. The bottom line is that if you feel strongly enough for this guy and feel sure enough that this is a stable long-term relationship then maybe you should consider introducing him to your family. Prep him if you need to! I'm not sure what your family is like so I wouldn't dare to assume how they would take it when you tell them. I don't think there is such a thing as a "good time" to tell them. Perhaps it would be easier to tell them yourself first at home when you're alone with them and then arrange for them to meet in a public place together soon after - a quietish restaurant maybe so they can talk and have to be polite!

I do think it will take time for your family to get used to the idea and don't get too paranoid in the beginning that they're treating him strangely and maybe over-politely - they're probably curious and just finding their own way of dealing with it. They could be just being sensitive to him and are anxious that they don't scare him off! On the other hand you might want to be prepared for them to react the other way and be vehemently opposed to it. At the end of the day it's your call. Is anyone else in your family in a mixed relationship or been involved in one? How your parents reacted could be be an indicator of how they might take the news. On the other hand this might not mean anything - some parents treat situations like this differently with their own kids.

What I do know is that my sister is dating a white guy now and he's met my parents. They dealt with it really well and the opposite to everything I feared. They totally surprised me: they weren't angry, didn't disown my sister and actually go out of their way to make him feel welcome. I think all parents want their kids to be happy and if you'r serious about your boyfriend they will come round to the idea. As long as they can see he really cares for you, is committed to you and makes you happy this should be enough to reassure them. I honestly wish I had the courage to tell them about my then-boyfriend at the time as now I still live with all the lies and concealing I did buzzing round my head and stressing if things might have turned out differently if I had!

Good luck! Hope it works out for you! Sorry this is a little long!

Guest · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2003 4:17 pm Post subject:

To tenpence....

Well... entering the foray here...... I'm a 'white' guy, however I don't define myself by either the colour of my skin, or even the culture I'm from..... neither do I define my Chinese fiancee in that way.... to me she is the woman I love, a woman who is teaching me about her culture, just as I am teaching her about mine.....

Ahem..... so there! :)

Man tou · Joined: 28 Dec 2003 Posts: 1

Hey,

I've just read some of the postings on this board, and i am very suprised by some people's comments in today's modern society. My opinion on mixed relationships (whether it be race/religion etc...) is that they are acceptable, but it is up to the individuals involved to determine themselves, the rules by which they wish to pursue their relationship.

I think it's wrong to generalise or stereotype certain races, as to the way they act in relationships. Obviously culture and tradition will influence the approach people take, but everything in life has the possibility to change your thinking. And shouldn't the the main objective in any relationship be LOVE!? ('All you need is love'- The Beatles) - this involves compromise on each partners side. So why should we critize others if they are both happy with their relationship agreement?!!

The only time we should oppose this is if some human right is seriously sacrificed for wrong purposes. But who has the right to rectify this? Over protective parents? Some official law? Unfortunately i don't know - i need more thinking time.

If people experience mixed relationships and aren't happy - then they should leave the relationship. People should be viewed as individuals and if something goes wrong its dispicable to blame the whole originating race! (Unless all have been brainwashed - lol)

Anyay rant over - i guess i just wanted to point out that with any relationship, if you really love somebody it takes hard work and understanding to reach happiness, and both sides should realise this to avoid being doomed!

Take care amigo's

x
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Eurasian · Joined: 23 Jan 2004 Posts: 14

I've always dated white women. Why? because I never had the chance to meet any chinese ones. The interesting point is that when i asked them would they have gone out with me if i was full chinese? they all said no.
I used to get angry but i just accept it for what it is now.
And the chinese that i have met, both women and men always seem a little bit mystfied by me. What??? you don't speak chinese? they called me "ghost" in chinese or sopmething simialr which is a common insult for eurasians in singapore, which has loads of eurasians.

amyip · Joined: 25 Feb 2003 Posts: 25 Location: London

Ah this is an age old discussion but to be honest each relationship is different. Yes, I'm a BBC and my boyfriend is white but beyond our race we are very similar. We have the same educational background, same love of books, same sense of humour, same sense of direction. Surely these things can outweight your race? I know in my relationship they do.

No, my parents don't approve of him but my siblings do. I could make them happy and dump him and find myself a nice BBC lawyer but frankly I think that making myself happy is very important too. The only thing that gets me sometimes is that my parents seem to confuse me making myself happy as a direct affront to the way they brought me up. Its taken a long time but I think that they are starting to get used to the idea of him. Four long years its taken with some heartache along the way but I wouldn't give him up for anything.

Initially I was dating a BBC but he wasn't for me. Not because of his race but his personality and I dropped in favour of my boyfriend. When my father found out, he was very upset and asked why I had not stayed with the BBC guy. I said to him "Dad, I let that guy go because he was not right for me and treated me badly. Wouldn't you rather I go out with a white man that treats me like a princess rather than a BBC man that treated me badly?" His disgruntled reply was an "I guess so" which hurt me as evidently "keeping face" was more important than my happiness!

Only you can decide what you really want in the end and if you want it, go fight for it and good luck to you.

GweiLo · Joined: 22 Feb 2004 Posts: 149

Over the years I must have posted this hundreds and hundreds of times.

I am white and married to a chinese woman.
1) Race has never been an issue in our relationship.
2) Race has often been an issue for other people commenting on our relationship. From me having "yellow fever" and her being a "mail order bride" to her fathers disapproval we have had it all.
It doesn't impact on our daily lives, we made a decision that neither of us regret and really don't worry about what other people think (although I think maybe we did once).

The one thing that is shameful, particularly from a community that is a minority and expects to be defended from racism, is that whatever abusive remaks we have had have always come from Chinese people.

That said we also have a lot of Chinese friends who are wonderful and have been supportive (actually I don't think they realise how much that has meant to us at times) and welcoming.

eye_candy1870 · Joined: 08 May 2003 Posts: 86

gwai lo,

Your interracial marriage probably doesnt imapct your lives but it will have far reaching effects on your offspring. There are generations of filipino/viet kids with white american GI fathers who live in america that are, to put it bluntly, screwed up.

the 'best of both worlds' slogan is a load of crap. Anyone who knows any half cast kids black/white or chinese/white will know they dont get this. They will choose to identify with one or the other and generally it will be the dominant race.

Half black kids will generally adopt the black identity whilst half chinese kids will choose the white identity. They will marry white partners and thus this is called the 'whitening effect'. Read any Brazilian sociological book and you will understand what I am talking about.

Some serious research needs to be undertaken to identify these groups to see how their mixed parentage has affected them socially, culturally and educationally. What factors go towards choosing their future partners and circle of friends.

GweiLo · Joined: 22 Feb 2004 Posts: 149

I am afraid the only crap is that you espouse eye candy.

As I have said I have been part of a mixed race family for my entire 45 years, and my brother for ten years longer than that. I speak from personal experience.

Of course people may identify with one culture more than the other. We all have complex personalities and people of mixed race are as complex as everyone else. People also identify with cultures that are not connected with their race. An obvious example being the many British Born Chinese who identify with British culture and do so despite not being white or part white. You are obviously racist and so you consider it a problem. Understanding ourselves and others is far more complex than a simple matter of race or even our ethnic culture.

I can give you examples of how being of mixed race has had predominantly positive effects on my brother socially, culturally and educationally if you want. But I suspect the truth is of little interest to you if it doesn't reinforce your prejudices.

Guest · Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2004 3:32 am Post subject: notes from an 'outsider'

Mixed-race relationships do seem to be getting a lot of attention! It is obviously an issue high on people's list of important matters. I suppose this is only natural. Sexuality does tend to be at the forefront of the human mind.

I'm from Ireland, which is a small island nearby Britain. We've theoretically had a long history of relative isolation, but in reality we've been taken over by pretty much everyone in this part of Europe. The Saxons, the Normans, the French, the Norse. Everyone passed through, and a substantial amount of them settled down. This has lead to rather messy genetics. Ireland claims to be a celtic country. It's far from that. Celts have red hair and green eyes, and you see them around. You also see black-haired French, brown-haired Saxons and blonde blue-eyed Norse (like me).

Everyone has white skin, but body-shape and hair betrays their origin.

Now, it's interesting to note that you don't get many people saying 'I will not date a guy with black hair...damn French'. It's interesting because my country is actually rather racist. I'm sure that anyone with connections with the Chinese community there could confirm this. In Ireland where you are from, who you are allied with, and what your ancestors did tends to count for a lot. We the Irish waste a lot of time fighting about stuff like that. Northern Ireland is one particuarly bloody example of this. It's a fight going back to settlements that were created hundreds of years ago.

Is it just me, or is all of this really rather silly?

Skin and hair is all rather shallow, and hardly reflective of the amount of things that we all have in common. There is virtually no difference at all between any of us, except in superficial visual ways. Oh yes, our cultures are different, but that's hardly a justification for racism or hatred. One cannot going around hating everyone who is different. It's never going to get a positive result, and it's going to be VERY tiring indeed.

All of us eat, drink, sleep and dream. We all can be hurt both physically and emotionally, and we all aspire to find love and companionship. Perhaps we should leave people to make their own personal choice about which person they wish to find these things with. The Chinese ethnic grouping is no worse or better than any other. It's dreadfully racist to make value judgements about people. Even to use terms like White, Black, Yellow. Well, personally I find it offensive. I am 'white' (pinkish actually, with some yellowish brownish), but I am not English. I am not German. I am not Polish. I am not Russian. I am not Italian. I have about as much in common with a Russian as I have with someone from Japan (I speak from experience). White is FAR too broad a term. So is yellow. So it black. A Nigerian is not a South African. No more than a Chinese person is the same as someone from Thailand.

Let's give credit to people who pass through their native culture, and make a real effort to understand and experience another one. The Chinese girl who dates the English man. The Japanese man who dates the German girl. The Thai girl who dates the Nigerian man. Some of these relationships will work, some will not. Dating outside of one's culture introduces challenges of understanding and comfort. But let's not judge it harshly just because it is done! That's really very unfair.

It took a long time for people from my country to stop regarding the English as 'others'. This is insane! Our country's are so close we almost touch. We share blood, ideas, and culture. It's going to take a very long time for people around the world to stop being so racist towards each other. But let's at least try.

I'm white(ish). I don't have a Chinese girlfriend. I don't chase after Chinese girls. I don't intend to start doing so in the future. Stop demonising people because of predjuce and colour.

GweiLo · Joined: 22 Feb 2004 Posts: 149

Couldn't agree more Shane, although I will go one further.

English, Irish or Chinese is too broad a term. It tells you almost nothing about the individual. And we are all individuals. I am English but English culture is diverse. I share nothing of any note with the Aristocracy for example.

My Englishness is but one small part of what I am.

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