Chinese family life

firefly · Joined: 25 Jun 2008 Posts: 1

Hello,

I wondered if you could help. I'm doing some research for a documentary for the UK channel, Channel 4. Its based on parenting styles across cultures found in the UK. I am researching rules and respect in the home and am interested in finding out more about Chinese families, parents roles, children’s education and use of rules etc...

I'm not looking for people to be on TV I would just like to talk to people.

If you think you could help please contact me on 02070332266 or josephine.besbrode@fireflyproductions.tv'

Thanks!

Josephine

quietman · Joined: 26 Nov 2007 Posts: 56 Location: Liverpool

I think Chinese parents tend to be more strict/disciplined compared to their western counterparts. They also put more emphasis on a good education.

joybetluck · Joined: 25 Aug 2007 Posts: 136

quietman · Joined: 26 Nov 2007 Posts: 56 Location: Liverpool

It's not just an assumption joybeluck. Statistics show that Chinese and other Asian kids get better grades compared to other ethnic groups. My opinions are also based on my own upbringing in this country. My parents were always on about doing well at school.

joybetluck · Joined: 25 Aug 2007 Posts: 136

If you choose to use such statistic you are welcome to it but as I have already said westerners as well as other races also go to enormous length to find suitable education.
I take such flattery about the Chinese with a pinch of salt just as I take insults about the Chinese.

wing_hu · Joined: 01 Jul 2008 Posts: 1

One might be mistaken as spy if you do research over China in China.
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ling_1981 · Joined: 07 Apr 2007 Posts: 4 Location: London

I don't know what the statistics say but on the personal front… my parents ran a take away business =) and my parents worked day and night (mainly my mother) and during the day in the week my dad was usually out playing mahjong but that is what most chinese parents did where I grew up.

Both of my parents are from China and came over to the UK in the late 70's - my father went to school but my mother couldn't afford to go to school - both parents nither speak the english language even though they have been living in the UK for almost 30 years. My mother is probably my biggest influence in my life… she was always at home doing her daily chores around the house, looking after me and my siblings and off course working in the take away and she never went out to the Chinese Community to play mahjong or even to socialise with other chinese people.

My mother brought me and my siblings up to study hard at school, to go to college and uni which then leads to finding a good job that pays well so that I could give them money to use for whatever they wanted too and to send money back to my relatives back in China. My mother always reminded me how lucky I was to be born in the UK and was able to get to get a good education which was very important to my mam and her side of the family as me and my sister are the first in the family to graudate from uni…

Anyway it has always stuck in my head to get a good job and to make enough money for myself and for my parents too and at the age of 24. I was lucky enough to get a good job for a blue-chip company straight after uni. I am now 27 and have reached the expectations of what my mother wanted from me and I give my parents spending money… Everytime I give money to my mother, she always smiles now and she says that she doesn't want my money and I asked her "why don't you want my money because you have always said that when I grow up and earn lots of money, then I should give some to you"… my mother laughed and said she didn't mean it literally… and I now realise that she wanted to push me to do well for myself only and if I have money to spare, then she's more than happy to accept my offering. But the main point is that my mother wanted me to do well for myself so that she can finally be happy and content that I can look after myself…

Now the pressure is to find a husband… only joking… my parents are quite relaxed at the moment on that side of things…

I realise that I didn't mention much about my father but I love him equally as my mother and he's a typical stubborn, backwards chinese man and he was never really round as a child when we needed him as he was usually out in the Chinese Community… but either way my parents together brought me and my siblings up well… I was quite lucky as my parents were not really strict and didn't have to use much discipline on us… I think "respecting" your elders is a big thing in Chinese culture… so even if my father was not around much, he is still my father and if it wasn't for him, then I would not be here in the UK and probably would have been back in China working on the farm or some factory...

I must say it was tough and frustrating growing up having to do things for your parents as they can't speak the english language and having to miss out on what my english friends used to do but that's life and I'm happy with how my life has turned out so far…

crzbean08 · Joined: 18 Jul 2008 Posts: 8

I think the one major difficulty I have with being Chinese brought up in a western society is the pressure to ‘keep up with the Jones’s (or better the Jones’s). I am not sure if others feel the same pressures but this really bugs me.

Typical examples include: I've got a bigger house, better car, my children are better educated, have a better job/higher salary…..

I must say that I don’t really care about these things, I have the idea that ‘if you are rich, it doesn’t concern me…if you are poor, it doesn’t concern me – and vice versa’. However it annoys me that my parents care ‘what people say’ and it annoys me that they invite these horrible family members over.

Lets back track, the family members I am referring to come from my mothers side. My mother comes from Cambodia (she is Chinese born in Cambodia), she lost both her parents to the Pol Pot regime and left her country as a refugee. She grew up having no parents to ‘protect’ and support’ her, and grew up as –what I would call – a ‘slave’ to my great aunty/uncle. Anyways to cut a long story short, my family has always been ‘looked down upon’; however my parents have done very well through blood, sweat and tears to raise a family of 6 children (I am the eldest at 25), all educated and we are financially much better than we were 25 years ago. Note: – I am using these examples as a measurement of how far my parents have come, not ‘how great we are’.

Going back to my original statement, it really annoys me that these family members (who have done NOTHING to help my family) are invited/let into our house to ‘gloat’. I remember when we first got our ‘nice house’, family members whom we have not seen for years, randomly invited themselves over and started asking how much the house was and then started to gloat about how they would build themselves a mansion in some posh area. A few months later, we picked up a rumor that my parents had ‘won lotto, as this was the only reason why we could have afforded such a nice house.’ A personal example, when I graduated from university my external family members couldn’t believe it, the certificate was hanging on the wall but they still didn’t believe it. It wasn’t until my mother showed them the DVD of my graduation they ‘believed it’ but of course said that the university that I went to was ‘not a good university’.

This obviously comes onto ‘cross-cultural relationship’ and being ‘disgraceful’ by going out/marrying a foreigner, but this is another story for another time. However I must say that my parents have been worn down (who wouldn’t with 6 children!) and are personally ‘ok’ with the fact that I am going out with a ‘foreigner’ but I think they are still resistant because of this ‘external family’ thing.

If I had it my way, these family members wouldn’t even get a ‘hello’ from anyone in my family. I’ve had numerous discussions with my mother about the way they treat her/us and question why she tolerates it; by which she replies with ‘you don’t understand…they are family’ and yes she is right ‘I don’t understand!’, I appreciate the ‘respect your elders’ and family values of the Chinese culture brings but when family members are this disgusting, come on...why can't you just ignore them? (the only reason i care is because it affects my parents)

I think this would be my major difficulty with being Chinese raised in a western society.
Rolling Eyes

crzbean08 · Joined: 18 Jul 2008 Posts: 8

Sorry firefly, to answer you question (after my huge rant!)

I would say personally, my parents were quite strict, and placed alot of emphasis on studying/education.

I remember being told off for putting 'boy band' posters on my wall, as I should have be concentrating on studies and not 'boys'.

Lots of pressure of being the eldest and being a role model for my siblings.

but I love my family and always enjoyed meal times, we were NEVER allowed to skip or eat away from the table - dinner time was family time!

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