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 ‘Express yourself, don’t repress yourself.’ Ah that familiar refrain from one of my favourite Madonna songs Human Nature - one of the best hits from the 80s I have to say. As an impressionable nine year old girl with few female role models to look up to apart from my mother, watching Madonna on MTV dressed as a dominatrix in leather bondage gear didn’t shock me as much as it should have done. It’s amazing what your nine year old brain can take in and process as perfectly normal.
Having watched Madonna purr her way through the video with a sultry and assured confidence I remember being struck by two conflicting thoughts , namely - ‘what on earth is she trying to prove,’ and ‘actually what she’s saying is pretty cool.’
I have to say as an impressionable kid I lapped it all up. My main thrust for being so far was staying out of trouble, obeying my parents and making sure I got good grades at school. In my small self-contained world there was no room for any manoeuvres not listed in the manual ‘How to be a good Asian daughter’ and so far I had managed to tick all the boxes. Yet here was a woman rolling around in S&M gear telling me how important it was to express myself and not to repress myself. I can’t say that I gave it much thought at the time and probably moved onto something equally distracting yet I do wonder now looking back, if it had somehow planted the seeds of wilful rebellion at an early age.
Growing up in England I have come to realise that I am definitely more vocal and direct than my Asian-born sisterhood. Being quiet and agreeable is all very well to keep the peace but there is really no shame in expressing yourself and your desires first. To some, this may be called ‘being selfish.’ To others it could be termed ‘realising yourself and making yourself happy.’ The ever-harmonious diplomat in me advocates treading a delicately etched path somewhere in the middle. I do not believe in moderation but I do believe in consideration. Don’t hold yourself back or limit yourself. But do respect who you are and who you’re with.
The oriental way is not to make a fuss and just get on with things but there are times when staying silent can be detrimental to yourself and all concerned. For if you don’t voice what you want or how you feel then how will anyone else know? How will I know what you are really thinking if the subtle clues you put out are just that – too subtle?
The Asian way of showing heightened consideration can often be lost upon the uninitiated westerner. They may interpret this quiet politeness as weakness, indecisiveness or even misread the situation completely and think the other party is in complete agreement with them. Sometimes they are completely unaware of the true situation because they cannot read these social codes. They do not see, as you or I might do, that your polite quietness is not because you have little to say, but because you would not dream of interrupting their long opinionated spiel by pointing out what a rude boorish oaf they are with no manners. Better to smile politely than have a needless confrontation where both parties could get upset and embarrassed. However what then happens is some kind of cross-cultural confusion where neither party really seems to understand what the other wants.
However there is a difference between being quietly polite and being just quietly accepting. Some people never dream of asking for anything beyond their allotted in life. My friend Jenny from Singapore was quite shocked when I got a discount at a shop simply because I asked for it. The concept of voicing what she wanted was alien to her, as she was only used to accepting whatever was offered. She was just too nice for her own good.
I have another friend, Grace, a mandarin teacher from Taiwan, who often finds herself doing too much work for others, much of it unpaid. She too finds it hard to say no. “Sometimes I really want to say no and refuse but usually I keep quiet. Because I don’t want to hurt people I just agree with them. I do express myself but not in a very strong way. I never want to trouble people or let them down. Being honest might hurt people.”
Hurting someone? The only person it’s hurting is me having to hear this tragic revelation. It actually pains me to think that Grace’s over-consideration is making her suffer in the long run. Surely there are moments when honesty is the best policy?
For instance - say I am served the wrong dish in a restaurant, then I will most certainly send it back, and anybody reading this might think, well yes that goes par for the course! But that my dear reader is where you are wrong! Some of my friends would rather eat the wrong meal than make a fuss as they ‘don’t want to cause any trouble.’ What trouble I ask them?! You are the customer and here in the west the customer is king! Yes, even the poorest shoemaker amongst you can go into a shop or restaurant and if the service or food is not up to your expectations then you can quite rightly stand up and complain and expect redress in the form of a replacement or apology.
Too often we worry about ‘losing face’ or causing the other person to ‘lose face.’ In other words we hate to be embarrassed or to cause embarrassment. In the east to draw attention to oneself or make a fuss is considered rude and attention seeking. Whilst this attitude might work in the orient where the entire community plays by the same rules, such principles tend to fall flat on their face here in Good Old Blighty. As a British Born Chinese woman I find myself having to become a bit of a chameleon, behaving one way to my parents and the older generation and another to the general public. Multiple personas, me? Carl Jung would have a field day.
There are of course many ways to skin a rabbit. Sometimes the direct approach doesn’t always pay off. Sometimes the quiet graceful approach can reap wonders. But there is no harm in letting the universe know what you want and being vocal about it. Sometimes a moment of honesty is all that’s needed. Just don’t feel that you’re expected to wear leather chaps to get your message across. At least not all the time anyway.
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