"To the ruler, the people are heaven; to the people, food is heaven."

The ancient Chinese proverb above should give you a good idea of how important food is within Asian culture. Even now my life is ruled by food. Spicy, sweet, salty, sour - food in all it's wonderful flavours and combinations; its not so much a distraction as a constant preoccupation.

And where do my family come in all of this? Well you could say they got me started on it. And now we're just as bad as each other, reinforcing each another's addiction. Yes it is an addiction. Sometimes it gets so bad that I read Chinese recipe books before I go to sleep just so I can look at the pictures. My defence? It must be in my genes because all my family suffer from the same problem.

For instance, before we meet up we decide well in advance what kind of food we want and where to go to eat it. We weigh up the pros and cons of each place like true aficionados (the wrong decision can quite literally leave a bad taste in one's mouth). Whilst we are there we then discuss the merits of each dish and comment on its flavour and texture. We go on to sit and appraise the presentation, the spiciness, the seasoning, and the quality of the rice (the most important criteria by which I rate a restaurant, get the rice wrong and I won't be returning). Then after the meal we will probably chat to each other about what a splendid meal it was and already discuss where to go for our next rendezvous. You could call us a family with a hard-wired DNA in place; hey it's pure survival baby, I can hold my hands up and say I really don't have any personal say in it.

Even when my mother calls, the first thing she wants to know is what I want to eat that evening. I suppose the correct thing to do is actually go and cook for my mother and not the other way round. But my visits home are something she looks forward to and I suppose in a way its one of the key ways she is able to reaffirm her role as a mother.

But it's ok to enjoy food, it's not always sheer gluttony. When your parents work hard and long hours and the only times you see them are at meal times it makes sense for the food to be an enjoyable experience. There are so many flavours in Asian food that other foods can seem downright bland in comparison. In essence I have enjoyed a ‘food freedom' my whole life and it was something that I discovered not everyone has.

Our lives are not in the laps of the gods, but in the laps of our cooks. - Lin Yutang, writer

When I was 15 I went on holiday to Devon with my best friend and his parents (as you can see I must have had pretty liberal parents, to let their daughter go off with a boy for a whole week. They might have been reassured by the fact that he was camp as Christmas but hey that's another story). The funny thing is what I remember most about the entire week's holiday was our mealtimes.

My fixated teenage brain remembers quite clearly to this day the culinary delights dished up during my stay: semi hard-boiled potatoes that unfortunately tasted every bit as unappetising as they looked. Each evening I was dished up a plate of boiled white potatoes, tinged with a hint of grey around the edges. It must have come with meat of some kind but everything else remains a blur. In my mind's eye all I can see are plates of boiled sliced potatoes sitting before me all begging to be seasoned - salt, butter, pepper - anything to relieve itself of its blandness.

One man's meat is another man's poison

So I was left wondering about other people's eating habits - do all English families eat potatoes daily for dinner? Was it normal? Why had I not been informed? It reminded me of the time I went on a school exchange to Germany and was placed with a family that one day happened to serve sauerkraut for dinner. I sat there in wonder as they all helped themselves to mountains of pickled cabbage and politely declined thinking I would hold out for my mains. Wrong. I found out after the table was cleared that that was the mains. So I ended up going hungry that night with a new found cultural lesson to think about over a rumbling tummy.

In another lifetime I could see myself growing up White and English and condemned to a fate of living out a life not in technicolor but a murky grey, marked by a monotonous daily routine of boiled spuds over and over again. A kind of living food purgatory if you like. I could try jazzing it up with butter or ketchup and mayo. But really, how many different ways are there of eating boiled potatoes?

And another thing - eating with my friend and his family, I realized there were no communal dishes. Everything was pre-served and dished up on the table. I had no say in portion size or preference. I had no choice but to eat what I was dished up or else appear rude to my hosts. And there was no snacking either in between meals. No tasty treats to nibble on. Everything had its time and place, and if anything it was this lack of ‘food freedom' that I found so strange.

Food, Family and Filial Duty

In Asian households we share our food and my house was no different. Dishes are placed in the centre, and everyone helps themselves. My father was always served his bowl of rice first, reflecting his place in the family hierarchy and also acknowledging his role for having provided for the meal in the first place. Meals are thus created with love and respect and eaten with love and respect. Eating together we can provide each other with a sustenance that doesn't come just from the food but from social support and affirmation, one of the main reasons why eating alone seems so tragic.

Filial Duty - an obligation or a choice?

Ah filial duty the last of the holy eastern trinity, but probably the most crucial of all of them. You could view it as an expression of lifelong love for those that brought me into the world or a heavy ball and chain to be dragged around until the heavens cry mercy (depending on your mood and circumstance).

It can often be very strange for westerners to understand this idea of duty, to stay close to your parents and do your best by them throughout your life. The idea of spreading your wings and independence are encouraged here in the west and these things I really do applaud. But independence, freedom and filial duty are not mutually exclusive things, something that I am only now beginning to understand as I get older.

The Importance of Xiao Jing (Hsiao Ching)

This idea of filial duty - in Chinese called xiao - is embedded so deep into the fabric of Chinese culture that it would be true to say to be un-filial would be in essence to be un-Chinese. The ideals of filial piety can be traced back to Chinese philosopher Confucius around 400BC, his moral teachings going on to shape Chinese social culture ever since. Confucius considered it to be the root of all morality and to breach it was to evoke nature's wrath and social chaos, upsetting the divine order of fathers and kings:

"The duty of children to their parents is the fountain from which all other virtues spring....Our body, hair and skin are all derived from our parents, and therefore we have no right to injure any of them in the least. This is the first duty of the child."

According to Confucius a son could only be considered filial if he performed the following five duties. He must:

• Venerate his parents daily
• Try to make them happy in every possible way
• Take extra care of them when they are sick
• Show great sorrow for them when they are dead
• Offer sacrifices to his deceased parents with utmost solemnity

He does not say what is expected from a daughter although I imagine the list would be longer, if not, ahem, twice as long..

These teachings have been passed down and encapsulated in the ‘Book of Filial Duty,' also known as the Xiao Jing or Hsiao Ching. It was considered to contain such fundamental rules that it was frequently used by Emperors to base their social laws upon. The Xiao Jing states that ‘the interests of the family are always greater than the interest of the individual,' and this is an ethos that explains the great self sacrifice that many Asian family members make for each other.

‘I' cannot exist outside of the family

Truly the word ‘I' hardly exists in China or any of the south-east Asian countries. The word to denote ‘I' is always changing, depending upon my relationship to the person I am talking to. I always refer to myself as either younger sister or older sister, daughter or niece. There is no ‘I' that stands alone or apart as a separate entity. There is only my relationship with you. So even in language there is an affirmation of family relationships, and all these things together help to strengthen bonds within families and the overall community.

When I was a teenager I really did rebel against this notion of filial duty; I mean my parents were not Gods and how could they know what was best for me? And what about my wishes? Did they really count for nothing? Growing up in such a close family circle, it was only natural that I wanted some breathing space. But now that I'm older, financially independent and have flown from the nest I can see that I have changed in so many ways.

I have now if you like become the model of a filial daughter. I organise days for my parents, run their shopping errands, arrange holidays for them and escort them to wherever their hearts' desire. I worry about them growing old and wonder how I can ease any of their burdens or pains; surely now I can stand in line for the Confucius award for filial piety?

So when is filial duty not filial duty?

They may call it filial duty but the fact is I don't feel duty-bound. I do these things to please my parents because I want to, not because I'm expected to. This I suppose is the natural consequence of having been given freedom and striving for independence as I was growing up. In a funny paradoxical way, it wasn't until I could become the most un-filial of daughters that I could then go on to becoming the most filial. Or maybe the truth is these Asian roots grow deeper than I could ever have thought. The freedom to be filial? Now there's a thought for this day and age.

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