It took me over 20 years to be comfortable with being British-born Chinese (BBC). Fate, love, a husband who had a life in the U.S. and here I am living in America. My son, Marcus (almost 4), and daughter, Lauren (2.5), were born in the States. What do I tell them about their identity? What defines me as a BBC in yet another culture? How do I bring up my American-born Chinese (ABC) children?
My life as a BBC
I listened to the Radio 4 series, Beyond the Takeaway: http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/factual/beyondthetakeaway.shtml. It was great to hear the voices and stories so absent in my youth. The viewpoints mirrored the identity struggles I felt growing up.
 My parents came to England from Hong Kong in the early 1960s. They started with nothing and worked gruelling hours in the family restaurant to make a better life for me and my four siblings. My childhood memories are of helping in the kitchen, serving customers and studying hard.
Being second generation, obedience was a strong part of my makeup. I felt guilty about my parents’ toils and wanted to make them proud. I absorbed their aspirations as my own -- become a professional (hence a good social standing), marry a Chinese man and have children. I grappled with my own hopes and dreams, and felt guilty about wanting to express my individuality.
I realize the crux of identity struggle is the point where your needs and ambitions clash with your parents’ ideals and aspirations. For me, the moment came when I went to university. I dared to be brave: I didn’t go to a local university and I didn’t become a solicitor.
Looking back, I was of the generation that set precedents. I was the first in my family to go to university; the first to move away from home and forge my own path. Now, I see the courage it took for me to move to London by myself in 1988.
The late 1980s and most of the 1990s was a period where I found expression in my freedom, career and self-development. Part of my journey as a woman was to meet and have a long-term relationship with a British-born Greek Cypriot.
I was happy with my life and proud of my successes but there were times when I struggled with the guilt of not being the obedient daughter. I shed many tears over painful conversations with my parents about my choices.
Nothing turns out as we expect. My life was so different to my parents’ vision that it came as a surprise to my family and friends when, in 1997, I fell in love with a man who was born in Hong Kong and raised in England, who was from a more traditional family than mine. The fact that I lived my life on my own terms meant I knew marriage to Yiu-Yin was completely right for me. My husband being Chinese is a bonus for my parents.
My children’s future as ABCs
Yiu-Yin and I are pioneers in America just as our parents were in the UK. We’re living and learning new cultural norms, just like our parents did in the UK but with two major differences -- we speak English and are educated. Hopefully, our knowledge and experiences will benefit our children as they come to terms with their identity.
In the mid-1990s, I did some workshops on self-esteem with Chinese young people in Birmingham. My favourite exercise was to ask them to express how they felt about their identity by drawing their feelings on a large paper plate. As an example, I drew my face divided in half: One side had brightly coloured lipstick and whacky hair and the other, monochromatic and long straight hair. What will the paper plate look like when my children become teenagers?
Identity: Coming full circle
When I was younger, I wanted my identity to be the opposite of my parents’ ideal. With age and maturity, I realized my cultural values were already infused into my being, resulting in my uniqueness -- not my parents’ vision, not the rebel, but someone who is proud of her roots and has a diverse outlook gained through her hard-won experiences.
My identity search came full circle when I became a mother. I felt an urgent need to write down an oral history. One day I will be the matriarch and tell my children and, hopefully, grandchildren about their ancestry, and I don’t know enough.
I reconnected with my parents on a whole new level - as an adult, an equal and head of my own family. After my daughter was born, I quizzed them on their life prior to coming to England …stories they had not shared, nor had I asked before.
I wanted to abide by centuries-old postpartum traditions past down through collective memory. After each birth, I willingly ate a special diet prepared by my mother-in-law for 40 days –chicken in sweet rice wine and boiled eggs in black vinegar –and didn’t wash my hair for a month.
Every day I feel the huge responsibility of raising my children without extended family support. I think back to my parents doing the same thing, raising five children plus running their own business, and I am in awe. It wasn’t their way to vocalize their feelings. Instead, they showed us through their hard work, the food they cooked for us and their nagging.
Yiu-Yin and I want to teach our children as much Cantonese and Hakka as we know. I’m not fluent in Cantonese; I get by conversationally and I confess I sometimes have to search my Cantonese-English dictionary for words and phrases. Our day-to-day conversations are in English with a mix of Cantonese and Hakka. Language is a factor that I’m still trying to get to grips with. My son goes to nursery school and, already, he speaks more English than Cantonese or Hakka.
Our aim is for our children to converse with their grandparents. A measure of our success will be for them to ask: “Have you eaten yet?” or “Are you well?” in Cantonese or Hakka. Phrases such as these speak volumes about love and respect to the older generation.
My challenge is to accept I’m doing everything possible to impart language within my abilities and resources, and deal with the older generations’ judgment that my children have become too westernized.
Technological advances enable us to stay connected with our families in England. The ability to transmit images through the internet by email, webcam, etc., provides a powerful way for the grandparents to follow the development of our children.
Hopefully, by our example, our children will carry forward a strong sense of their Chinese heritage and values (the respect for family and hard work), along with an open attitude. Ultimately, we want our children to know they will always have our love, support and guidance, whatever they face on their life’s journey.
Similar experiences? Let us know by posting your comments below. You can also email Susan directly here: susan@dimsum.co.uk |
